Nov 10, 2007
I wish I knew what to say about my life. This is, of course, a blog about paganism, and not my life, but the two can hardly be separated in my mind right now.

This time, the space between Samhain and Yule, has always been hard for me; the light is going away and there aren't any holidays to break up the monotony (Thanksgiving does not count) and all my motivation for the Work breaks up and floats away. I stripped down my altar to reflect this; it's beautiful in its simplicity, and looking at it makes me happy. I wish it did a bit more.

I have been distracting myself from existential angst with a much more immediate angst -- I'm applying to grad school. This is much more painful than it ought to be. I am, at this moment, avoiding working on my application letter by writing this post. My self-imposed deadline is a week from today. Oh dear.

I have rather given up the hope of finding a coven I fit, at this point I'll settle for a teacher, but I can't seem to find one of those either. I am not a very social person, you see. I don't network well. If people are not on the Internet, I am not going to find them. ...and around here, they're not. I feel very alone, despite the e-mails from two different people in my inbox that I have not gotten around to replying to yet. I simply don't know what to say.

Last week I had a dream that I have not had since the week before my last finals in college; I dreamed that I pulled my ribcage apart like a birdcage to give my heart more room. It felt much too crowded in there. In my Samhain ritual, I had a vision of Macha touching my heart to ease it and then licking the blood off her fingers. It's scary to feel this strongly and not know what I feel it about. Last month I felt like I would never feel this strongly about anything ever again, and that was scarier.

With any luck, I will have more time to think properly after my application is in and the holiday plans are all settled. Hopefully. We'll see.

3 comments:

Morninghawk Apollo said...

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It makes sense to me that it be now, between Samhain and Yule.

I see this time as a time outside of the normal hub-bub of life. With the year ending at Samhain and the new year not beginning until Yule, this is a time where the soil lays fallow.

It is a good time to reflect on oneself in preparation for the new year, which makes this a rather difficult time for me as well.

Good luck.

Cosette said...

For me, this is a period of rest, but I know that for many people, it's an intense and tumultuous time. Whatever you do, take time to take care of yourself, pamper yourself a little. And congratulations on grad school. That's a huge accomplishment and a big, scary life change. I applaud you.

LiviaIndica said...

Good luck on your grad school application. I'm not good at social situations either, sometimes I think I'm destined to practice alone. Finding a coven seems near impossible, but can you maybe find a pagan group to hang out with on witchvox? Sorry you're feeling kinda lousy, it's hard to shake off the winter blahs and blues. Hang in there!